Vaginas in Video Games

For those of you who may not already know, WordPress, shows me when someone has accessed my site from a search engine. Not only does it tell me when you reach this place via search engine, it tells me the search terms which led you here. Hence, every day on my stats I see that a single individual accesses my blog by googling “vaginas in video games.” Who is this person? Is this blog what he or she is really searching for? Or is this person just looking for video games with vaginas in them and finding him/herself here, instead? The world may never truly know. However, in a quest to find the answer, I Googled “vaginas in video games ” and I have to say, the results were interesting and have essentially led me to the conclusion that Googling body parts yields a bizarre experience every time.

1. I am proud to say that if you were ever motivated to Google vaginas in video games, the first link on the list is mine. It will bring you to my homepage and ranking first in any Google query of improper nouns is a pretty amazing experience. (Upon regoogling on another computer, I found myself ranking second among vaginal experiences. This will be rectified).

Vajayjay hero, apparently. I don’t know.

2. Vajayjay Hero – I know what you’re thinking. Am what I looking at real? This can’t be real. Well, I’m sorry to say, it is. This particular link is to an article condemning the (I guess, meme? Running joke? Are those synonyms?)  regarding a (fictitious??) game in which you have to push the correct buttons to play a vagina. Yeah, I really just can’t even say anything more. No words. My money is on the fact that the person who led me to write this article is probably looking for this game; just a hunch.

3. 5 Video Game Enemies That Look Suspiciously Like Vaginas – This is pretty self-explanatory and significantly less frightening than Vajayjay Hero in about 60 different ways. There’s also this article, and this one. Okay, we get it. The Freudian metaphor is not lost on me! “Well, you see, the game designers were never able to conquer this particular aspect of their lives, so now unconsciously, it is prevalent in everything they do.” Whatever, boys like to draw body parts.

4. Apparently there is also a game called “Privates.” Apparently this title is a pun because, ZOMG it takes place in a vagina and, you know, that’s your privates (or my privates, or a girl’s privates). Yeah, it’s super clever. SUPER CLEVER! So anyway, a few things come up for this brilliant work of video game craftsmanship. Including a review by another lady, in which she points out that this game’s premise is one which would appeal to six-year-olds because six-year-olds really, really, really like bodily functions. I would like to assert that everyone thinks bodily functions are entertaining (hence Blizzard’s obsession with poop). Anyway, this game actually doesn’t look horrible. But here’s a trailer:

 

And just for good measure, you should all know that someone made this Facebook group. Because who doesn’t love vaginas, video games, and Poland?

 

Absence

I desperately apologize and beg for your forgiveness. I have been simultaneously busier than usual and feeling under the weather.

Since this blog is new, I am still tinkering with the format. Thus, my new schedule will be as follows:

Vag and Video Tuesday – the weekly comedy feature in keeping with my original theme for this blog

Special Feature Friday – at my discretion, this will be the day on which I post more serious discussions of topics recently brought to my attention or currently troubling my mind

Sexism Sunday – Posted on the first Sunday of every month, this will be when I tell fabulous stories about what it is like being a woman, girl, or little girl. The tone for this post will vary as needed.

Why Colleges Suck: Volume 1

Customer Service

Institutions of higher education are businesses. They seek profit, expansion, and charge increasingly higher fees for their services, which they market and provide on a large scale. So why are they able to maintain a business model in which their customers receive really poor treatment, are victim to numerous errors, and somehow develop multi-generational ties to those customers?

Let me tell you a story:

I recently transferred from my local community college (which I’ll call CC), to a top ten regional university (which I will refer to as M). My grades at CC were above average (although, not exemplary) and because of that, when I explored transferring to M as an “adult learner” I was informed that I would qualify for a $1,500.00 per semester scholarship. That, coupled with being able to transfer all of my paralegal credits directly into my major, and paying per credit (rather than the obscene full time tuition rate) caused me to decisively choose this institution. Fast forward to my first semester. I had decided to take the full government-subsidized loan amount in order to alleviate some of the burden my monthly bills caused. Credit card debt, rent, utilities, car insurance – it’s a decent sum of money for someone to pay when they are trying to maintain a full-time course load of upper-level classes. I just did not have the time to work full time, too; this is especially true because my job is substitute teaching and the hours conflict in a pretty significant way.

Three weeks into the semester, Student Financial Services finally gets around to telling me that I need to create a “degree plan” before they can pay out part of my refund. This would have been much less of an inconvenience if they had told me BEFORE the semester started so I could get my refund on time. So, I contact my adviser who then informs me that none of my paralegal credits can be applied to my major because M’s paralegal program is A.B.A. certified and CC’s isn’t. Translation: the 30 credits which were supposed to be applied to my major (more than two semesters if I want to be able to afford my tuition), are worthless. In total, M had transferred 87 credits. Of those 87 credits, only 12 could be applied to my major and in order to use those 12 credits, I would have to declare business as one of my concentrations. I want to go into educational law – attend graduate school for education and then go to law school. The last thing I really want or need is a concentration in business when I am trying to explain my intent when applying to graduate programs for EDUCATION.

I flipped. I had committed to this particular institution because it was affordable and I could graduate in three semesters without having to overload myself. M’s solution? They could do a transaction reversal and make it like I had never even attended. Forget the credit inquiries for the loans which would not be removed from my credit report, forget the semester I’d lose (making the purpose of the transaction reversal moot since it was too late for me to attend somewhere else for that semester instead), forget the pay I’d sacrificed during the three weeks I’d already been attending classes – they just didn’t understand or really seem to care about the extraneous damage they’d caused by misinforming me for the three months prior to the semester beginning and the three weeks after it had started.

After I came to terms with the idea of concentrating in something I hated and had no real use for, I was still confronted with the issue regarding my refund. It was almost October first, my rent was due, and I literally had no money in my bank account. (One of the greatest side effects of being per diem is that you lag a pay period behind, which means that when pay is bi-weekly, you don’t get paid for the first month after summer vacation; i.e. not until the first Friday in October). I had counted on my refund, that had been the entire point of taking out loans; my tuition was covered otherwise. (I’m grateful for that, and I know not everyone is that lucky. I know many people have to take out loans to cover just their tuition and end up carrying huge debt loads).

I submitted my degree plan and waited. And waited. And called. And waited. Suddenly, they realized my refund was being held up because I had to explain how I lived on $6,000.00 declared income in 2011. My income was too little for me to qualify for aid without explaining where every penny of my money went. I’m not even kidding. (Poor people don’t automatically get handouts; true story).

Source: http://www.awesomeoff.com/entries/barney-stinson-8615.html

Seriously, bro. True story.

At this point, we’re in late October, the semester has been in session for two months, and I’m struggling to pay my bills, usually with complete failure. Once again, I did what M told me I needed to do, and waited. Again, things were taking longer than I was told they would. So, again, I contacted them to find out what was wrong. This time I was told that, for some odd reason, my name had been left off the roster for processing. I was told this in a tone that very clearly said, “Oh, oops!” Like someone had just knocked over a sealed bottle of water.

Ultimately, I received my refund at the beginning of December, two weeks before the semester ended. I had accrued late fees for most of my bills, overdraft fees for my bank account, and interest on my partially subsidized student loans (despite the lack of payout). I had no recourse, and the best case scenario was simply hoping that it wouldn’t happen again.

Now, it’s my second semester, we’re a month in, and again, I haven’t received my refund because they had me put into the system as a Psych major in the accelerated program (which just means that they thought my semester started halfway through March, so I couldn’t have my money until then). Forget the part where in the fall they’d billed me incorrectly because I’d been in the system wrong then, too (in a different, yet just as irritating way). Again, my only recourse is to harass, beg, and wait for M to fix its mistakes and do the bare minimum to rectify the situation.

My story, though the details may be unique, is far from being unique in its nature. I have friends who were unable to graduate on time because advisers had given them wrong information regarding which classes they should take. These mistakes all cost the student significant sums of money and they cost the college nothing. In fact, colleges tend to gain from the mistakes they make by collecting an extra semester’s tuition.

Given the increasing cost of education and its decreasing worth, these mistakes are becoming increasingly damaging. When grade inflation means that your degree is worth less because standards are too low, inflated tuition costs mean that you’re starting your life under the weight of  a a debt that in past generations would have been a mortgage, and a recession means the job pool is too small, my generation is already facing too many obstacles. Do we really need poor customer service policies obstructing our success, too?

There needs to be a way for students to seek retribution for the damage these mistakes cause. Perhaps it already exists and no one knows about it. I suppose you could always file a law suit, but with the cost of litigation, and the amount of money some colleges can throw around willy-nilly, I doubt you would be very successful. Colleges have no fear of losing their customers, not when jobs are so competitive that you need a bachelor’s degree to be a file clerk. The worst part is that usually the people you have to talk to when a mistake has been made aren’t even nice about it. They usually talk down to you, blame you, or completely blow you off. Let’s face it, if someone at a grocery store took your money, sent you to the back of the longest line, and refused to refund you for some bad cheese, you’d be ready to get out your pitchfork and storm the Bastille.

This Monday

My next Vag and Video feature is going to be a dissertation regarding who is looking at my blog and why. I’m not going to drop any spoilers, but there may be an individual who is looking for video game porn and keeps ending up here.

Coming Soon…

Starting next week I am going to be doing a mini series, released every Friday, discussing the problems with higher education. While neither relating to being female, nor gaming, I feel that this is a subject someone needs to address (with my usual humor and grace, of course). The first installment will be a discussion of customer service skills – by which I mean, the complete lack thereof.

Take over the world from your keyboard

I’m no criminal mastermind. I can barely figure out how to pay my bills, but I think I know how you can take over the world using video games. Now, this plan might be half-baked, and if you’re reading this, you may be fully baked (personally I think that’s an awesome combination), but it could work. THIS ARTICLE describes some ways people have already managed to turn gaming into real-world capital (including a conspiracy theory about North Korea and gold farming).
Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating criminal behavior and by saying so in writing, this is officially admissible in court, so please don’t subpoena me; I really can’t afford a lawyer.

Superhero... or supervillain?

So what’s my master plan?

Well, first, you’re going to have to kidnap a bunch of Asian children. I know what you’re thinking, “Candienziia, I can’t kidnap a bunch of kids, that’s immoral!” We’re taking over the world. There’s no room for morality when you’re taking over the world. Haven’t  you seen Pinky and the Brain But I digress: for this plan to work, it is imperative you begin by kidnapping a gaggle of Asian kids. Since South Korean kids apparently get in knife fights over video games (see previously linked article), perhaps you should avoid that particular pool of potential participants. Maybe something in Chinese or Japanese would be more suitable. I know what you’re thinking, “Wow, this is really racist.” It’s pretty presumptuous that you’re thinking I’m saying you should kidnap Asian kids based upon the stereotype that Asians are good at video games. I’m saying you should kidnap Asian kids because their parents probably won’t care. Hell, they may even sell them to you. No, seriously, in the poorest areas of Asia and  eastern Europe (and South America and Africa), it’s not uncommon for parents to sell their children, so why not take advantage of that while you’re taking over the world? You can like, set them free when you’re done, and at least you’re not using them to make porn.

Once you have successfully attained your army of slave children, you should probably get Kim Jong Un on the phone, since, apparently, he’s inherited one of the most successful gold farming outfits around. (You probably wouldn’t want to ask his advice about how to run the rest of your organization or how best to develop a nuclear program, but that’s a whole different issue). I’m assuming that this organization just involves some basic macros and I’m pretty sure that everyone under the age of 15 is born with an inherent knowledge of computer programming, so you can probably just point these kids at the nearest keyboard and they’ll get to it. The most important issue is probably choosing which game you should manipulate. When I say manipulate, I actually mean, “destroy its economy so perversely that everyone who plays it has no choice but to start buying gold from you with real-life currency.” Again, we’re taking over the world; we can worry about morals and ethics after we’ve successfully accumulated enough capital to buy every major landmass.

Once you’ve accumulated a sufficient amount of capital, this is when it’s time to start buying third-world nations (it’s like Monopoly. If you buy the entire side with Baltic Ave. on it, you’re getting two monopolies and can have so much money left over, you’re free to just throw hotels on those suckers immediately). It’s not even like buying lesser-developed land and establishing it as a business is unprecedented. You have history on your side! (In the 19th century King Leopold of Belgium bought land  from all of the tribal leaders in Congo and establish the area as a sole proprietorship. I’m really not making this up) . Please ignore the part where it was taken away from him after the rest of the world realized how horrible this situation was for the original residents of The Congo.

Now that you have minions, capital, and have invested in property, it’s probably time for you to consider building a more substantial line of defense. Like an army. At this point you should have enough money to buy some weapons upgrades and properly enchant your gear. Oh, wait, right, we’re talking about real life. Well, that thing about the weapons still applies. Buy some. I’m sure there’s a guy for that. Once you have your army, feel free to start really taking over the world. Just remember the rules of Risk: Start at the bottom of a continent that’s in the southern hemisphere, fortify all access to that continent, and whatever you do, DON’T TRY TO INVADE RUSSIA.

Yellow, you’re doing it wrong.