Now that we have that out of the way, hello. Welcome to my blog. Let’s dive on in – and when I say dive, I mean, let’s take a moment to really consider whether girls (women, females of any kind, really), actually do play video games and why. Okay, now go read THIS ARTICLE. Are you done? I can tell that you’re lying. Well, since you completely ignored my instructions, I’m going to give you a bit of a recap.
What the incredibly enlightened author of the aforementioned article would have told you is that women do play video games and, despite whatever you may think to the contrary, they DO NOT PLAY THEM FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BEING HIT ON BY DESPERATE MEN. We enjoy them. (I feel comfortable using the collective “we” here because this is my universe and in my universe I speak for all women everywhere).
Feel free to take a moment and really savor the information you just received. Let it seep into your pores like the oil you’re so familiar with after a full weekend forgetting to shower as you attempt to earn that ever-elusive exalted reputation with that outdated faction in order to buy a single mount that you’ll never actually use. No? You don’t do that? Here we see the way in which “gamer girls” and “gamers” (why must we make a distinction between gamers and gamer girls?) most greatly differ. Or, at least, this is how I most greatly differ from all of my male gamer friends: they still know how to function once they start playing a video game intensely.
When I start playing, let’s say hypothetically, World of Warcraft, it’s suddenly 15 hours later and I’m wondering why my abdomen feels like it’s about to explode. That’s when I realize I have a bladder and promptly proceed to plot how best I can make my way to the bathroom and somehow keep my raid alive. READ CAREFULLY NOW, THIS IS WHERE THE ADVICE BEGINS! Since, in this hypothetical, I’m playing a healer in World of Warcraft, we’re going to begin by discussing the specific methods I’ve used to cope with this particular predicament.
- Make sure you’re playing on a laptop: This provides a kind of portable freedom a desktop just will never allow – unless you have a wireless keyboard and mouse with unlimited range and a network of screens in every room. Just saying, that would be awesome.
- Play a disc priest or be exceedingly aware of damage preventing cool downs: Discipline priests, with their unending ability to prevent damage before it happens, are probably the best suited healing class for this particular purpose. We are, of course, assuming we live in a world where Divine Hymn no longer exists or where you’re not allowed to just randomly start popping cool downs in the middle of a raid attempt because you have to go squat on a chunk of porcelain. An even easier way to avoid this predicament is to play a DPS, let yourself die, scream into your voice chat that you had a wicked lag spike and swiftly run, RUN, RUN to the nearest bathroom. Assuming none of those options are at your disposal, playing a disc priest is still your surest way to pull this off.
- Bubble and prayer of mending the tank, holy fire, then quickly unplug your laptop.
- Cast Spirit Shell, use your power infusion and spam prayer of healing as you casually walk to the toilet.
- Enjoy the sweet bliss of relief.
- Repeat step 3’s healing spells before wiping (yourself, not the raid).
- Enjoy your new raiding atmosphere until the attempt is complete.
I would like to note, that I have no idea how to pull this off if you are in the tank role. Thankfully, I don’t believe most women main tanks, and even more happily for all, I almost never do. If I did, I would probably have a strategy for coping with this. This strategy, though specifically developed and mastered during raiding situations in World of Warcraft, can easily be transferred to your game of choice.
So remember: Consider “accidental” death, plan appropriately to insure survival, maintain normal performance while preparing for your move, pop everything you think is appropriate, and take your rightful place on the throne. And if you fail at any step, blame lag.
- Things I wish would return to World of Warcraft (wow.joystiq.com)
- World of Warcraft game and expansions on 50% sale (massively.joystiq.com)
- Every World of Warcraft title on sale until Feb. 25 (polygon.com)