Take over the world from your keyboard

I’m no criminal mastermind. I can barely figure out how to pay my bills, but I think I know how you can take over the world using video games. Now, this plan might be half-baked, and if you’re reading this, you may be fully baked (personally I think that’s an awesome combination), but it could work. THIS ARTICLE describes some ways people have already managed to turn gaming into real-world capital (including a conspiracy theory about North Korea and gold farming).
Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating criminal behavior and by saying so in writing, this is officially admissible in court, so please don’t subpoena me; I really can’t afford a lawyer.

Superhero... or supervillain?

So what’s my master plan?

Well, first, you’re going to have to kidnap a bunch of Asian children. I know what you’re thinking, “Candienziia, I can’t kidnap a bunch of kids, that’s immoral!” We’re taking over the world. There’s no room for morality when you’re taking over the world. Haven’t  you seen Pinky and the Brain But I digress: for this plan to work, it is imperative you begin by kidnapping a gaggle of Asian kids. Since South Korean kids apparently get in knife fights over video games (see previously linked article), perhaps you should avoid that particular pool of potential participants. Maybe something in Chinese or Japanese would be more suitable. I know what you’re thinking, “Wow, this is really racist.” It’s pretty presumptuous that you’re thinking I’m saying you should kidnap Asian kids based upon the stereotype that Asians are good at video games. I’m saying you should kidnap Asian kids because their parents probably won’t care. Hell, they may even sell them to you. No, seriously, in the poorest areas of Asia and  eastern Europe (and South America and Africa), it’s not uncommon for parents to sell their children, so why not take advantage of that while you’re taking over the world? You can like, set them free when you’re done, and at least you’re not using them to make porn.

Once you have successfully attained your army of slave children, you should probably get Kim Jong Un on the phone, since, apparently, he’s inherited one of the most successful gold farming outfits around. (You probably wouldn’t want to ask his advice about how to run the rest of your organization or how best to develop a nuclear program, but that’s a whole different issue). I’m assuming that this organization just involves some basic macros and I’m pretty sure that everyone under the age of 15 is born with an inherent knowledge of computer programming, so you can probably just point these kids at the nearest keyboard and they’ll get to it. The most important issue is probably choosing which game you should manipulate. When I say manipulate, I actually mean, “destroy its economy so perversely that everyone who plays it has no choice but to start buying gold from you with real-life currency.” Again, we’re taking over the world; we can worry about morals and ethics after we’ve successfully accumulated enough capital to buy every major landmass.

Once you’ve accumulated a sufficient amount of capital, this is when it’s time to start buying third-world nations (it’s like Monopoly. If you buy the entire side with Baltic Ave. on it, you’re getting two monopolies and can have so much money left over, you’re free to just throw hotels on those suckers immediately). It’s not even like buying lesser-developed land and establishing it as a business is unprecedented. You have history on your side! (In the 19th century King Leopold of Belgium bought land  from all of the tribal leaders in Congo and establish the area as a sole proprietorship. I’m really not making this up) . Please ignore the part where it was taken away from him after the rest of the world realized how horrible this situation was for the original residents of The Congo.

Now that you have minions, capital, and have invested in property, it’s probably time for you to consider building a more substantial line of defense. Like an army. At this point you should have enough money to buy some weapons upgrades and properly enchant your gear. Oh, wait, right, we’re talking about real life. Well, that thing about the weapons still applies. Buy some. I’m sure there’s a guy for that. Once you have your army, feel free to start really taking over the world. Just remember the rules of Risk: Start at the bottom of a continent that’s in the southern hemisphere, fortify all access to that continent, and whatever you do, DON’T TRY TO INVADE RUSSIA.

Yellow, you’re doing it wrong.

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