Milestones and Achievement Whores

During the past week, this blog has hit a few milestones: 10 likes, 250 views (there’s no meta achievement for 250 views, so does it actually count?!), and even though it doesn’t actually tell me unique visitors, I’m going to pretend this blog has been viewed by one hundred unique and special people.

Now, it’s time for a confession. I am, unforgivably, inexorably, uncomprehendingly, eternally, now, and forevermore an achievement whore. I will play games for no other reason than because they have achievement points. I like having a score system. I like to know who is winning, and if it’s a game which has no score, obviously that’s what the achievement points are actually supposed to be. For this reason, steam games, xbox games, and similar systems which award you achievement points outside of the game and are quite difficult to track in-game are unspeakably frustrating to me. Translation? I’m a really, really lazy achievement whore. I want all of the achievements, but I want a convenient handy-dandy way to track which ones I still need, a complete guide for how to do them, and someone to hold my hand and spoon feed them to me. This is probably why I enjoy Blizzard games as much as I do. Seriously, I’m not exaggerating.

Logo of Blizzard Entertainment

Fellow Achievement Whores, bow to your master.

Sure, there are some achievements which are really self-explanatory (like the ones for Triple Town, which is a game I picked up during one of those Steam sales for $4.00 or something and is surprisingly – okay, not at all surprising – addicting for something intended to be an iOS game). The self-explanatory achievements are, however, usually also extremely easy to get, so everyone has them and freebies don’t count when you’re trying to WIN. This is the part of the blog where my boyfriend runs screaming from the room and thanks his lucky stars he figured out I’m too irrationally competitive for any sane person to cope with. So, I don’t want achievements which are easy, I want a challenge. Confusing since I just said I want them spoon-fed by angels while I have my feet massaged and a robot plays my game for me, right? Yeah, I know, I make absolutely no sense.

Young person playing with a GameCube

In place of a robot, I suppose my hypothetical future offspring will suffice.

If it isn’t challenging, we both know I’m going to be bored in about 5 minutes and find something else to do because I have the attention span of a toddler. (Relax, guys, there’s enough of me for everyone. I know I sound like one hell of a catch. Come on, who doesn’t want an attention deficit irrationally competitive obsessive gamer in his life?) I digress. Wait, where were we?

Oh, that’s right. I want achievements which are easy to understand, but difficult to execute, require no outside involvement from someone else (but with the option to have help if I want it), and which will allow me to easily track which I still need to complete. In other words, I like a meta system in which you get points which are completely arbitrary based upon completing objectives which have absolutely nothing to do with the actual game play and which no one else in their right mind would waste their time doing because I really believe that arbitrarily awarded points are a way to score yourself against other gamers because I have a compulsive need to simultaneously HAVE THEM ALL and WIN.

Screenshot of Pokemon Destiny

I played Pokemon as a kid. I know how this works.

No, seriously, someone actually likes having me around all the time. Weird, right?

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